Is it too soon to bring out the soap box?

I love that my friends post articles on facebook. It gives a good insight as to what's a priority to them, their thought processes, and what's considered entertainment for them.This one comes courtesy of my friend, Jessie. If you don't have the time, it references a Self Magazine cover on which Kelly Clarkson is airbrushed to within an inch of her life and the horrifying blog post from the editor in response to it ("Did we alter her appearance? Only to make her look her personal best" is a direct quote.)

Now, I don't want to go down a common road and use this post to whine about how unfair it all is and how Marilyn Monroe was a size 14 and all that. So I'm not going to rail against Anna Wintour, Karl Lagerfeld, Hollywood Producers and Keira Knightley for continuing to make "normal" girls feel like crap. What I want to do ask why this happens. It seems to me that the issue is much deeper than this.

A few years ago I was shopping for a dress online. The site boasted "real clothes for real women" while having your size 0 women model them. I wrote an angry and kind of snarky letter in the Contact Us section, not really expecting anything but feeling I did my part.

I did get a response. It was polite and regretful and full of marketing jargon and pie charts. Basically, it said that they used to have actual plus sized women model (usually a size 14, just under what's termed "plus" but more real than a 0), but when they switched to smaller model types, their sales went up 40%. Even the target demographic for "real clothes for real women" responded better to a size 0 than a size 14. We can't pin that on the fashion industry or advertising execs. The magazine tried to adhere to our ideals, but we neglected them for it.

We don't want to look at a pair of jeans and see an accurate depiction of how we would look in them. We want to look at what we want to be. As angry as that magazine cover makes me, how much better or worse would Self Magazine sell if a cute Kelly Clarkson was on the cover without being airbrushed down 3 sizes? My guess is it wouldn't sell as much. I'm sorry, but I really can't blame a magazine for doing this if they'd all fail for listening to our idealistic rants and campaigns for real beauty. Isn't it misplacing blame or deflecting a much deeper problem? What is the deeper problem? Is it something chemical in us? Genetic makeup? Do we blame our mothers? The history of oppression against women?

We want to be supportive of the "normal" woman and embrace our curves, freckles, height challenges, and any imperfections as a generalization; but we're scared shitless of ourselves. I'll celebrate you being less than perfect, but I settle for nothing less in myself. Why is that? Am I wrong?

Since deciding to switch to a more healthy lifestyle a little over 18 months ago, I've been noticing this other side to body issues more and more. I get asked why I'm making that sudden change. I tell them about how I felt out of control, weak willed, and scared to death of all the diseases that come with being overweight. These are my motivations. Most would still assume it's to get a man or to get myself in prime baby making condition. But I was already in a committed relationship when I started. And while I don't want to be dangerously unhealthy, I honestly have no desire to lose my boobs or hips or to be a size 8. Regardless of my size I will love my curly hair and I love having full lips. I will always be a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl. Of course I have a ton of insecurities- my glasses, my pores, my stomach to name a few. But it's not magazine covers that make me feel down on myself for them, it's other women and, ultimately, myself. Why do we do this to ourselves and each other? Or am I off base? Let me know what you think.

I have a blog! Now what?

Hello.

I've been thinking (probably too much) about what to write on here. I've been staring at the dashboard for 3 days expecting ideas to jump out. I've thought about coming at it from a certain angle, but couldn't decide what. My journey in diet and Crossfit? Cooking blog? My cats? popculture and politics? Music? Most of the feedback I received about angles is that "angles are bullshit."

But I feel the need for structure because it feels safer. I'm selective with my risks. I'll gladly stumble and make an ass of myself for the sake of humor. I'll stand on stage and act or recite. I'll even sing. Slowly, but surely, I've become more confident of my physical abilities through Crossfit while acheiving a ton more confidence in the whole body image area despite not being a size 8. I'm an adventurous eater. I'll try pretty much anything once. But writing is something I've never taken a risk with. I was going to take a creative writing class in college, but I chickened out after I stumbled on a few of the "literary elite" making fun of the creative assignments some students left in a professor's mailbox. I had a blog a few years ago, but that consisted mostly of lists and surveys. It quickly fell to the wayside. I never really wrote anything that anyone other than a teacher saw.

It's a confidence thing. I want to be a talented writer so much, but don't feel I am. I feel like I fool everyone by letting them think I'm smarter and wittier than I actually am. It's silly, really. And it's not like I think I'm an idiot or even that my lack of confidence in this is uncommon. I just need to get over it.

This blog will put an end to that. I'll get past the fact that this post is more self deprecating than funny, I won't pigeon hole myself into themes and I won't get too too wrapped up in the fact or idea that my structure isn't the tightest or most solid. I hope.