It's been brought to my attention that people are more likely to read your blog if you write stuff. Sorry, dudes. I tried to do a post about kittens on youtube, but it won't let me post videos.
I've been trying to write something on here that doesn't make me sound like a Smiths song, but to be honest, my life has been about 98% suck lately. Don't get me wrong, there have been some highlights- an awesome weekend in Chestertown was able to work its magic for a while, and kick ass cupcakes were cool. And work isn't unbearably awful or anything. But something needs to change. Like, now before I lose my shit.
First of all, I'm learning that I suck at being alone and this is really surprising to me. I always loved my alone time. I wasn't the most social growing up and every roomate I've ever had has gotten on my nerves. I love not having to deal with all the roomate problems and I wouldn't go back to that, but this is hard. I've also never had a problem going out alone or eating in the dining hall by myself, but going to one of the 3 bars right across the street from me on my own is now a paralyzing fear. I've tried a few book club type groups, and the CrossFit gang is always there, but nothing's getting rid of the lonlies.
Speaking of CrossFit, I've been kicking some ass in the workout department. One of my aweosme trainers has been helping me with correcting my diet and I've been doing a good job with it- it's becoming habit. And while I increased strength, can run longer and faster, and can do more pullups and pushups, I haven't lost a damn pound. This is not a plateau. This is not halfassed whining that this is hard. I've been working my ass off. I'm not doing anything wrong, no inordinant amount of cheating and trying to make up for it later. It's all been legit. And nothing's happening. I've been ok and trying to keep positive because my workouts were awesome until last night. Last night was terrible. I had to go down in weight, my form was terrible, some guy that's only been there a week was running circles around me and I had the slowest time. I made an appointment to have my thyroid looked at, but doctors never listen to me, so I don't have the greatest hopes of that playing out well.
Don't even get me started on dating. I had to tap out of that game for a bit.
It may seem like petty things, but they're big for me. I'm really making an effort to turn myself around nothing is budging for me. I've done all the hard things- I got out of a toxic relationship, I put myself out there for help with the things I can't figure out on my own, I made decisions that were for the best and not because they were easy or just simply what I wanted. I laugh off all the small things like falling down in a puddle of mud an hour before a meeting and having to go around with the most godawful hickey on my neck that I got before I was told that I'm "too nice." And I think I've done it all with finesse. I've been good- more than good. I've been downing shit sandwiches like it's my part time job and with little complaint up until now. When are things gonna go my fucking way!?
Right now. I'm going to work some Catholic voodoo and get you hit up with all sorts of sparkly good shit. Or you could just pray to Mahoney.
ReplyDeleteThe point is this: life is sucky sometimes. Did you know I said "asshole" to my therapist last week? I didn't call him an asshole. I just said the word.
Now, I kind of feel guilty about it, but not enough to talk to him about it.
Sounds like you're kind of getting pounded, and I wish I could make it stop. It always seems like crappy stuff happens all at once, though, doesn't it?
If it makes you feel any better, I used to love my alone time, and now I'm so desperate for adult interaction, I scare about 50% of the people I interview. I'm not overestimating.
Six paragraph comments rule. So does your pic of Suri and Katie. Still curious about the name "Suri."
Hang in there, lady! Everyone has these times when things are especially shit-tastic.
ReplyDeleteHere are some thoughts that I have:
1) I think you're overtraining. Having to go down in weight is a key indicator. I know that Crossfit is as much social as it is physical for you, but I think you should consider backing off a little and taking more rest time. The same thing happened to me last month. The rest helped a TON and I came back faster and stronger than ever. Muscle memory is a beautiful thing!
2) You need to say, " eff you fear!" and go to the bar alone! Bring a book or a crossword and sit at the bar. That way, you can use the book or the puzzle to look busy if there's anyone you don't want to talk to. If you do see someone you want to chat with, be like "i'm totally stuck on 4 across. Can you give me a hand?" (That sounds like something you would read in Cosmo, but it seriously works. I did it at the Tap Room a few months back when I was there alone.)
3) Doctors will listen if you make them. Write down all of your questions and make a list of everything you want tested before you even get there. If they see you have a list and have taken the time to do some research, they'll know you mean business. If not, keep looking until you find a doctor that will listen.
4)Living alone takes a lot of adjustment. The first time I lived alone was when I moved to Philly and I was unbearably lonely for the better part of a year, even though you guys were always there. It took me a long time to get used to going to sleep and waking up alone. I was taking a bath the other night and Mr. P was sitting on the edge of the tub and I had a flash back to my old studio on Chestnut and I was like "Hey, P, remember when it was just you and me?" And I think he understood and for a hot second, we totally missed it.
Try to enjoy it for what it is. You will miss parts of it when it's gone forever. And when your sink is full to the brim of dishes you didn't even dirty and when your crotchety old cat hisses for hours at your sister-in-law's dog.
And you always have a room and a bed here if you need to feel like you have roommates. One morning of Andrew's shower singing and you will appreciate the quiet. :-)
More Suri!
ReplyDeleteAre you feeling any better this week? I lived alone in college for a while. Even in a town filled with my friends and boyfriend who never effing left (Pat) because his place was a shithole, I was lonely.
Harrison is pretending to be a cat and is refusing to say anything other than "meow," and this is a typical work day.
I'm superlate in commenting, but I still want to send you some virtual hugs (and cupcakes). It sucks to be lonely whether you're actually alone or surrounded by people. I think we've all been there. I prefer coffee shops and bookstore browsing over bars but that might just be me being a dork. Anyway, I think you are brave and awesome and I wish you lived closer so we could hang out more.
ReplyDeleteJilly. Hugs to you! I echo what Jessie says, especially that last part. I think it sounds like you need a trip to San Diego, is what I think.
ReplyDeleteThanks, guys!
ReplyDeleteI'm feeling much better now. My doctor turned out to be super cool and hopefully I'll have my blood work tests back today.
Living by myself is still weird, but I'm figuring it out as I go along. I just have to keep busy.